Real talk, though, I need to establish a life. He has himself, basketball, his friends, family, and then me. I have him, writing, and myself. I used to have friends, right? They’re so expendable. Not exactly sure what that word is, but it’s what my mind keeps coming back to. There are really cool people who I need to connect/reconnect with. I need to start doing my school work so that I can have a life. In fact, I’ll do that right after this.

Sigh. Love is so odd. I don’t think I was any happier when I’d rid myself of it. I feel it is very essential to my being, but my life was much simpler without it. I think without the complicated framework of love, though, I was quite hollow.

“Old mister Webster could never define
What’s being said between your heart and mine”

We always have this ideal future that we think will be there, but when we turn the corner it’s just another deserted, dirty street.

Sometimes, though…. Well, sometimes you actually find yourself in a present that’s stunningly similar to what you imagined in your youth. After observing, and partaking in the world your ideal future usually begins to dismantle. Slowly, but surely. So if and when your fantasies are realized you usually don’t realize your reality has become your previous fantasy. It’s often not exactly the way you imagined. At first many don’t recognize it. Like in Youth in Revolt. The girl was so busy looking for some French savior that will sweep her away. It took her a while to realize what she was actually looking for she already had: true love.

“You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways…
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young”

No bruise, no abuse. Basically.

I equate cutting, binge eating, and lifting weights. They are all forms of control. There is a noticeable difference afterwards. One that you can say “I created that. I am in control.” Stress is being released, and in it’s place comes calmness of mind.

“biting keeps your words at bay
tending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn’t failed to follow so far…

and you might say it’s self-indulgent
you might say its self-destructive
but, you see, it’s more productive
than if i were to be healthy

& pens and penknives take the blame
crane my neck & scratch my name
but the ugly marks
are worth the momentary gain…
when i jab a sharpened object in
choirs of angels seem to sing
hymns of hate in memorandum

and you might say it’s self-indulgent
and you might say it’s self-destructive
but, you see, it’s more productive
than if i were to be happy

and sappy songs about sex and cheating
bland accounts of two lovers meeting
make me want to give mankind a beating

and you might say it’s self-destructive
but, you see, i’d kick the bucket
sixty times before i’d kick the habit

and as the skin rips off i cherish the revolting thought
that even if i quit
there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop
and anyone can see the signs
mittens in the summertime
thank you for your pity, you are too kind

and you might say its self-inflicted
but you see that’s contradictive
why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?

and pain opinions are sitcom feeding
they dont know that their minds are teething
makes me want to give mankind a beating

i’m tried bandages and sinking
i’ve tried gloves and even thinking
i’ve tried vaseline
i’ve tried everything
and no-one cares if your back is bleeding
they’re concerned with their hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading

makes me want to give myself a beating…”

-Anna <3

I agreed to go driving with my mom later on when she comes back from the gym. I am indeed a tad bit scared. Fuck that. I’m done being scared. I know what I’m doing and I’m gonna get it done.

She asked me to take her wine out of the fridge. I hate the idea of self-poisoning. But I do it too. And I love the idea of wine. I can imagine myself as a very avid wine-drinker. I’d want my wine to be Kosher, though. I hate alcohol. So not ma thang.
I wonder why I don’t like it… I guess because I’m a wimp, and it stings. So I exaggerate the tiny uncomfortability into a raging fire burning down the village of my throat. I reckon it’s a good thing, though.

It was raining like nobody’s business today. I should be taking my mom canoeing instead of driving… We need a proper drainage system up in this piece. I hate having to cross Niagra Falls just to visit a friend.

Anywho, my mom told me we need to have a “grown up talk” about my boyfriend being an old guy or something. I love his senior citizen discounts though. I mean who in their right mind would give up free rice pudding???

This book Loose Girl has seriously got me tripping out. I want to go back to a state of complete innocence. I wanna start over again. I want to be like my knowingly unaware freshmen friends. Como La Virgin Mary!
Well…. Maybe not that much…
I’ve been longing to have some stability. I’ve searched everywhere for love, and finally in a frantic peak when I reach a point where I must sit down it finds me. Just as I began to enjoy my lofty break from such a harsh reality my fantasies were realized. And now I’m back on my feet. It’s bittersweet. No retreat. Like air to eat.
I love love. I mean it’s what I wanted. But I’d just taken a break on the sidelines. I wanted to wait until I was truly ready to get back in the game. But when the coach calls by name & number, you don’t have much choice. I love it though. It’s difficult to explain, but I love it.
A part of me wants a break. But a break would be stupid. It’s not the time for a break now. I’ll happily truck along, then. Half asleep still doin’ the fox trot.

http://www.strindbergandhelium.com/iron.html

“Exhibit C: Look how quaint and how quiet and private
Our pay checks have bought us a condo in town
It’s the nicest flat around
You picked a mattress and had it delivered
And I walked upstairs and the sight of it made my heart pound
And I wrapped my arms around me

And I lay there wondering what is the matter
Is this a matter of worse or of better
You walked right past me and straightened the covers
And I would still love you if you wanted a lover

And you said: ‘All the money in the world
Won’t buy a bed so big and wide
To guarantee that you won’t accidentally touch me in the night’
Then I said: ‘You must be right’”
-Anna <3

I haven’t written in my diary in a while. I haven’t been able to write poetry until today. And it came out pretty good. Here’s what I wrote:
“Mommy Dearest
You want to feast on the control
As slave becomes master
You assume your role
The whip is buried
In the grave
Out comes a belt
For the save
Out comes years
Of oppression
Renting the innocent, blemishless
Flesh in twain
The boiling over of heated
Aggression
What we can’t take out in blood, we’ll take out
In rigid pain”

Liam is beginning to dislike my family as much as they dislike me. I shouldn’t be as happy as I am about that. I guess it’s like everyone thinking you’re crazy, but then someone stepping up and saying they see it too. So, yeah, it makes me downright giddy.
He came over yesterday to watch A Beautiful Mind (which someone had spoiled for me, but I was hoping that he’d get the full effect,) and the power went out just as the twist was getting set up. It was kinda scary. We ended up, after much chaos, playing a short game of scrabble by candle light with my iPod playing softly in the background.
Hahaha He came out to LA with my sister, her ex [suriously???], and me on the 16th for my little sister’s birthday party. After the ice cream and cake and cake [lmao] we went to a park & played some 2-on-2 basketball with this random chick & dude. It was boys against girls. The girl on my team turned out to be quite the trash-talker. She was like “Oh, that was a punk shot!” I said, “Yeah! That was a punk shot! (Punk shot still gets points) but that was a punk shot nonetheless!” lmao I remember Liam had to stick the chick, and I was like “If you stick her we’re over. Through. Done.” lmao Good days…..

Anywho, I guess I believe that humans are flawed and you have to take that into account when looking at the Bible… as much as I hate to say that. That’s what I’m sticking to.

That is all.

"I'm a drama abolitionist
Damn no opposition to my proposition
Half of a man, half magician
Half a politician holding the mic
Like ammunition
And my vision is as simple as light...
Heck is for the people not believin' in gosh"

-Anna <3

but my voice just echoes through the empty corridors of my unsettled mind.

“Pray God you can cope
I stand outside
This woman’s work
This woman’s world
Oh it’s hard on the man
Now his part is over
Now starts the craft of the father”

-Anna <3

When I was younger I used to go hiking with a camp thing. It was super fun. There was this one place we would go that had thick canopies of bright green leaves that provided excellently warm shade. I remember there were also wonderfully clear streams of water, and even a beautifully secluded waterfall. When I say the world is beautiful or it has “the potential to be so amazing” I always get flashbacks of those hiking trips. Because the world is very beautiful, just not all of the creatures in it.

Irregardless, I rarely find myself being bored anymore. Now that I’ve found myself again I’m not taking it for granted. I enjoy my me time, and just getting to know myself again. I’m like an interesting new friend :]
It’s terrible to lose one’s self, no matter how bad anyone thought they were.
It’s like being stuck in an empty void. An abyss. It’s horrifying.
Yeah, so I’m never taking myself for granted. No matter how limited I may be.
It’s odd how I once saw beauty in everything else but myself.

“And you’re learning that just ’cause they call themselves friends, doesn’t meant they’ll call…but you’ve got the needle,
I guess that’s the point of it all”

-Ayanna <3

I’m glad that for the new year my parents went camping together. So I was able to have freedom and no stress :]]]]]

I’m probably going to dye my hair a bit more butterscotchy blond when I get the money. I think I’ll start making some of my own clothes. That’d be neat. Nah, I’m too much of a clutz and I’m lazy… and I semi-suck at sewing.
I have been toying with the idea recently of becoming a journalist… I think I like that idea. I enjoy creative writing, but my sudden interest in the middle east begs me to express current events with the world. I’ve been uber emotional of late and I already cried for the people in Gaza a few times. Once, in my distress, I accidentally tore down my shower curtain. I’m preeeetty sure I broke it. Irregardless, the only problem I would have with journalism is the deadlines. I can’t keep up with ANY type of deadline. So that’s why I’ll run my own paper! It’ll have such headlines as: Is the Man Trying to Keep Your Hair Down? and What Disney Doesn’t Want You to Know About the Family Structure!
Lmao jk :]]]

“That never talking thing you do is effective…
Who needs love when there’s Law & Order,
Who needs love when there’s Southern Comfort?”

-Ayanna <3

Okay, but it’s totally a New Year’s resolution.

I set up a fire in the fire place, and poured some cider. I felt lonely for some reason. As the fire died down and my glass became half empty and my feet got slowly colder my heart seemed to warm up a bit. I don’t know why in the world I’m feeling better now. Maybe it’s because I finally turned off Because of You by Kelly Clarkson and started playing something a bit more upbeat. Music can be the key element of your environment like that.

Irregardless, this year overall has been neat. Very neat actually….
I found myself again and got to keep my cool, more mature, persona. I met so many cool new people… well actually most of them were already there I just seemed to discover them.

There’s one little ember left glowing in there.

My sister and I are probably gonna light another log. For the next year I want a better relationship with my sister.

Oh frick, I just remembered I have another behind the wheel class coming up…. ughhh. well another deadly step to a more independent life, I suppose.

Moving forward, into a new year is deeply symbolic, and I usually would go into a lengthy analogy, but not now. Now I see the dull red ember has multiplied and there are 3 of them now. It’s steadily crackling in the background of the soundtrack of my life (just softer than the beat of my love-stricken heart.) What did I ever do before I had a fireplace???? Irregardless, writing is fun, but I should probably stop while I’m behind lmao

May the New Year bring many, many misadventures,

Ayanna <3

The moral of this story is:
Don’t fall in love with a clownfish*.

*bisexual

I was a victim of domestic violence.

My brother was cussing out his pregnant wife, as he always does, so my granny decides to go upstairs and see what’s going on. I follow. 
My granny starts cussing him out and threatening him as I, the coward, silently watch by my door.
Whenever he gets angry he always yells things that are far too below the belt. My sister once asked him why he never called a friend that was in jail and he had to go and bring up the uncomfortable details of his crime. When my sister got angry with him he called her a dyke.
It’s so hard to know that the abusers can yell out whatever they want, but the abused are forced to be silent while memories of the abuse are still fresh as their scars.
So the next punch below the belt was to yell, “That’s why Mr. Price beat you!” at my grandma. Feeling no remorse, and moving right along he then yells, “And that’s why Dominick beat mom!” All this coming from an abusive person?
“And that’s why Dominick beat you, because you act like that!”
I’d probably only interjected once or twice in this whole argument; not to attack him, but to defend his wife. He still aimed this missile right at me. He didn’t even need to I was already crying by the time he said that my grandmother trying to protect someone from domestic violence was the reason she was abused by her husband.
He is sick.
He has ruined my life.
And FYI, my father would beat me if I peed in the bed. But I guess I deserved that, right?

The abused will be silent no more. You are a sick pervert who stole a young girl’s innocence. And I hope I never in my life have to put up with you again. I hope that you move to China and live alone where you can never hurt another human being again. But my hopes can’t do anything for you. Only God can save you now.

Just the opposite.

Since I tweet now most of my blogs will look like tweets, unless I’m in a writing mood. Through the Roof \’n\’ Underground

He wrought at one great work for years;   The world passed by with lofty look: Sometimes his eyes were dashed with tears;   Sometimes his lips with laughter shook.   His wife and child went clothed in rags,         5   And in a windy garret starved: He trod his measures on the flags,   And high on heaven his music carved.   Wistful he grew, but never feared;   For always on the midnight skies         10 His rich orchestral score appeared   In stars and zones and galaxies.   He sought to copy down his score:   The moonlight was his lamp: he said, “Listen, my love;” but on the floor         15   His wife and child were lying dead.   Her hollow eyes were open wide;   He deemed she heard with special zest: Her death’s-head infant coldly eyed   The desert of her shrunken breast.         20   “Listen, my love: my work is done;   I tremble as I touch the page To sign the sentence of the sun   And crown the great eternal age.   “The slow adagio begins;         25   The winding-sheets are ravelled out That swathe the minds of men, the sins   That wrap their rotting souls about.   “The dead are heralded along;   With silver trumps and golden drums,         30 And flutes and oboes, keen and strong,   My brave andante singing comes.   “Then like a python’s sumptuous dress   The frame of things is cast away, And out of time’s obscure distress         35   The thundering scherzo crashes Day.   “For three great orchestras I hope   My mighty music shall be scored: On three high hills they shall have scope,   With heaven’s vault for a sounding-board.         40   “Sleep well, love; let your eyelids fall;   Cover the child; good-night, and if … What? Speak … the traitorous end of all!   Both … cold and hungry … cold and stiff!   “But no, God means us well, I trust:         45   Dear ones, be happy, hope is nigh: We are too young to fall to dust,   And too unsatisfied to die.”   He lifted up against his breast   The woman’s body stark and wan;         50 And to her withered bosom prest   The little skin-clad skeleton.   “You see you are alive,” he cried.   He rocked them gently to and fro. “No, no, my love, you have not died;         55   Nor you, my little fellow; no.”   Long in his arms he strained his dead   And crooned an antique lullaby; Then laid them on the lowly bed,   And broke down with a doleful cry.         60   “The love, the hope, the blood, the brain,   Of her and me, the budding life, And my great music,—all in vain!   My unscored work, my child, my wife!   “We drop into oblivion,         65   And nourish some suburban sod: My work, this woman, this my son,   Are now no more: there is no God.   “The world’s dustbin; we are due,   And death’s cart waits: be life accurst!”         70 He stumbled down beside the two,   And, clasping them, his great heart burst.   Straightway he stood at heaven’s gate,   Abashed and trembling for his sin: I trow he had not long to wait,         75   For God came out and let him in.   And then there ran a radiant pair,   Ruddy with haste and eager-eyed, To meet him first upon the stair,   His wife and child beatified.         80   They clad him in a robe of light,   And gave him heavenly food to eat; Great seraphs praised him to the height,   Archangels sat about his feet.   God, smiling, took him by the hand,         85   And led him to the brink of heaven: He saw where systems whirling stand,   Where galaxies like snow are driven.   Dead silence reigned; a shudder ran   Through space; Time furled his wearied wings;         90 A slow adagio then began   Sweetly resolving troubled things.   The dead were heralded along:   As if with drums and trumps of flame, And flutes and oboes keen and strong,         95   A brave andante singing came.   Then like a python’s sumptuous dress   The frame of things was cast away, And out of Time’s obscure distress   The conquering scherzo thundered Day.         100   He doubted; but God said, “Even so;   Nothing is lost that ’s wrought with tears: The music that you made below   Is now the music of the spheres.”

Posted in Life, Uncategorized Tagged: poem ]]> http://turue.wordpress.com/2009/08/11/poem-of-the-week/feed/ 0 amblount http://turue.wordpress.com/2009/08/10/algebra-2/ http://turue.wordpress.com/2009/08/10/algebra-2/#comments Tue, 11 Aug 2009 05:48:57 +0000 amblount http://turue.wordpress.com/?p=194 ]]> I’d like to start of by apologizing to my blog, and my followers…. wait this isn’t Twitter…
Speaking of Twitter: all of the things that I would normally blog about became one-liners on Twitter. Ever since I got a Twitter I’ve had less an less blog ideas, and more and more random sentences just pop in my head.
But yeah, the apology is for only blogging when I feel like it (which is never.) And being really selfish. I just recently got a bit of a lifted spirit, and I’m in a writing mood again.
So on to my main point: I LOVE algebra.
I was in a regular/slow Algebra 2 today and we were going over some of the most basic stuff (which I personally think is awesome for people who don’t fully get Algebra- If I had had teaching like that in 8th grade I wouldn’t have had to take it again) but for me- a person who totally gets Algebra and loves it- it was just a waste of time. So, luckily I found out that the most awesome counselor EVER, in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD, Mr. Wilkinson, is my counselor, and he got me into Honors Algebra 2 lickity split. Hope I won’t be behind too much…
In other news: hopefully I’ll be able to try out for the fall play tomorrow. I throughly do not expect to get any part, but it’ll still be fun to just try out.
I would just die if I got the lead.
Luckily I won’t get the lead and I’ll have a hopefully long life. Even if I don’t get a part, it’s probably gonna be an amazing play to see.
Well, Best wishes for the future,
Ayanna Anonymous <3

I wrote this on twitter. I love twatting lol XD

I think of love like a seed. When you invest your emotions in someone, it’s like you’re planting a seed in their garden, and if they water it enough, it’ll become a beautiful tree.
I try not to sew my seeds in too many people’s gardens, for fear of their distaste stunting it’s growth. I only have so many seeds to bury before my arm aches too much to move at all, and my heart is completely covered in dirt.
I’m kinda angry that I let myself bury another seed. I didn’t invest anything but a proposition at first, but then the gardener dropped a single drop of water, a single speck of hope, and in my mind I had already climbed to the top of the tree.
And he still hasn’t crushed my hope. He hasn’t dug up my seed and pitched it into a deep lake, but I can never tell with this guy.
His answer: “We’ll see.”
Well I’ve already seen it. I’ve seen the potential.

I would laugh if I read this in a couple of years and didn’t even remember the guy lol.
But don’t get me wrong, I love him. Underneath all of these impulsive feelings I still have that friendship, and I still think of him as a brother. Even if we don’t get a chance to run, we’ll still walk hand-in-hand.

I found this amongst my old fifth grade worksheets. My friends and I laughed when we saw this. I asked my teacher, “Why does it say cum time?”
Her eyes popped outta their sockets a little. Then she looked at the paper and said, “Oooooh. Cooooooom time. Like Cumulative property.”
A lot less funny if it’s talking about math…

Also, Today: not as eventful as I had hoped. But I did get to eat pasta

These are pictures of Stuart Townsend (Queen of the Damned, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and Keira Knightley (Pirates of the Caribbean, nothing else important… lol jk.) I know you may be slightly confused because you only see one person, and because Stuart is too girly to be a gentleman. If you’ll notice though Stu is just a slightly more feminine version of Keira Knightly.
Just kidding :]
In queen of the damned he was Supa Sexy, but he did look EXACTLY like Keira lol.

Also, I just thought this was funny:

Wow, and the word “Blog” is coming up on spellcheck as incorrect. What kind of blog doesn’t have the word blog in it’s little word bank?
A gay one.

I repent for the thoughts flowing through the sea of my mind
I tarry for my solitary hope to become a reality

I begin to weep:
Seeing my shame in the eyes of the one that is perfect.

A different poem:

Angry words are chiseled into the tablet of my heart of stone.
I drift through rooms filled with people, and still feel alone.

My body is melting all around my soul.
The blanket of my mind is threadbare.

I am losing myself.

- Ayanna Mandel <3

It’s also kinda like Freerice.com, wherein that you know you’re not doing that much, but it still makes you feel as if you swallowed a kitten— fuzzy inside.

The highest number of views in one day before yesterday was 6. Yesterday totalled 46. That’s at least 5 billion more views!!!

Yeah, well that was just a pleasent suprise that I discovered this morning :]

These are my Boobs. As you can see, they’re mostly imaginary.
They will only be viewable under microscope until I have 47 children. So in two weeks you should be able to see them. Lol jk.
No but seriously, this is a serious condition…..

That’s where the “Underdeveloped” part in “The Unsophisticated Ramblings of a Underdeveloped Eyesore” comes from.

Bullseye

Pointless Comics is an amazing little webcomic that is fastly gaining momentum. It’s made by a friend of mine, and in the off chance you haven’t heard about it go vist this site: http://www.drunkduck.com/Pointless_Comics/index.php?p=585480

Very hilarious.

Many might say my hair looks a little scary, or funny in this picture that I took last night, but I barely even notice my hair at all. Rofl.

See? See how empowered I look?

They say you need to feel the lowest-of-lows in order to truly enjoy the highest-of-highs.
That’s not true.
I haven’t been within reaching distance of rock bottom, but I soak in every good moment like a breath of fresh air.

Today I got my DVD of Man of La Mancha (a terrifically splendid movie musical based on a theatrical musical based on a movie based on the book Don Quixote.) I absolutely love it! I love the idea of romanticizing EVERYTHING. I love making giants out of windmills, making castle’s of inns, and making “Dulcinea”s of life-weary prostitutes. That we should look at life how it should be, not how it is.
I love Quixote’s quirky character, Though he may often overreact he’s still so very thoughtful, sincere, and chaste.
In some ways he reminds me of Luna Lovegood. They’re both very kind, and half the time I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Sometimes with Don Quixote I’ll find myself thinking some of his actions or words are just so cool, but then realize how awfully pathetic they are. A lot of times with Luna I’ll think something she does or says is sad, but then Harry will refer to her action or statement with respect, and then I’ll think of it as really cool. But as far as character goes, I love Luna so much more than Quixote. She’s brutally honest, and never holds any ill will towards anyone.
Still, I can’t wait to read the book. I hope it isn’t boring and dull… that would be such a let down :/

“It’s got electrolytes!”

http://www.megavideo.com/?v=LLDS50F2

This is a link to one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a while. I was surprised that only a few people I knew actually knew what it was. All you do is click on the link, click on the red button, exit the pop up, click the green button, and enjoy the amazing comedy.
It’s called Idiocracy. Very funny. If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. This link is kinda poor quality and it took me two tries to get it to work, but it is definitely worth it if you haven’t seen it.

Also: I GOT MY MINI LAPTOP!!!! DDDDD
It’s a lot smaller than I thought it would be, but also a lot cuter :]
I LOVE IT
plus I only ordered it a couple’a days ago.

My good friend Felicia Whitewash brought this word to my attention. I think she invented it, but I’m not sure… maybe. Anyway, just a short post to update everyone on a homonym I’ve discovered for the bland word “restroom.”
blech…

The second event happened like this:
We were in Berkley (which is basically where all of the tie-dyed, hop-head bums from the seventies reside on every street corners,) and I was playing this awesome new kazoo I’d just bought when a hobo with a white beard and a tie-dye shirt walks up to me and says, “You know, you’re perfect.”
OMG.
Ya, so luckily I was walking with a guy friend. Which means I didn’t immediately pee my pants, but you know. I didn’t know what to do so I just smiled and nodded and quickly crossed the street.

Last Sunday night my sister got lost in LA. It was sooo crazy because she was really tired and we were driving around for a while.
The scariest part was when we were driving around a warehouse district. We passed a dozen tall, empty wharehouses before even realizing we were in the warehouse district [I'd never seen one b4. Turns out it's like a little district of warehouses!] It was around midnight and this bum was pulling his garbage bag-laden cart down a really creepy street. I felt so bad for him because ANYTHING could happen at that time, in that place. If a Puma had come and gouged his eyes out I woulda been like “Oh, man… ya really can’t let your guard down like that… Oh, well. The street cleaners’ll pick up his remains in the morning.”
He looked like he was expecting a Puma Attack. His eyes were all wide, and he was almost jogging, but it was kinda hard to tell with him dragging along his possessions in that clunky cart, which was making goodness knows how much noise!

My sister said: “You can tell he wants to run. I bet you as soon as we’re far away enough he’s going to start running.”

Sure enough as soon as we were far away you could just barely make out his shape going faster than my sister’s car, it seemed. And I do not blame him. I’ve seen The Wire. If I were in his shoes, I’d be high-tailin’ my butt all the way to the safest crack house within a five mile radius!

bt I felt really bad for him. It was kinda the first time I was really afraid in LA…
Well… Kinda… I’m sure there was something worse.

I love LA though. Oh! Just found out LA and Hollywood are two different cities lol. I love them both… but mostly Hollywood…

I officially completed my summer classes. Which is kinda good because all the social interaction was buggin’ me out. I’ll update with my grades soon as I get them.

I’ve gotten into photoshop a lot lately. Here’s some of my recent doctored fotos:

For two bucks [cash er check ;]] I will Photoshop your foto for you. Anything you need done picture wise, I’m your man… er… well, yeah.
Omg!!! Guess what??? I’m getting a mini laptop!!! Which is only like my life-long dream!!! I already ordered it and everything! It’ll be here prolly in 3 to 5 business days! Yay!

Also, I viewed a blog that I thought was quite splendid: http://www.awesomechelz.blogspot.com/
it’s really funny, and very honest. Check it out.

Life, for me at least, is a lot like a roller coaster. Pretty cliche, but it has it’s ups and it’s downs. Whenever I’m down in the dumps everyday feel EXACTLY LIKE THIS. And I know I’m not the only one. But when I’m way up high everything is so much clearer, I can see a much broader scope. It feels as if I’m floating far above the earth at the point just between man and the heavens.

The lows always seem to last longer than the highs, but the highs make everything worth the wait.

Because I really like to sleep in, we ended up having to hike during the heat of the day. The cold-blooded serpents (and I don’t mean like Simon Cowell) sought the warmth of the sun, and I know I heard at least two rattle snakes rattling about. The sun seemed to get light years closer for every step I took. I ran to every spot of shade that I could find.

Getting to the first mile mark was easier than I expected. I only had to rest twice. It seems laughable now that after the first mile I’d said “Well I only had to stop twice for the first mile, I’ll probably only have to stop like 3 or 4 times max.”
I probably stopped no less than twenty times.

We had snacks that we’d bought at the 99 cent store previously, but my sister made it clear that we were not to eat it until we reached the top.

I swear I thought I was gonna die. Like a billion times. At the 99 cent store my sister was about to buy two medium water bottles for each of us, but I convinced her to buy one giant one. BEST DECISION EVER. Sure it was kinda hard carrying while it was full, but the only time my energy really renewed was when I doused my self with a ton of water. And I always had a ton left. I still have some of that water, and that was at least a week ago.

We met a guy when we got really close to the top, but seeing as how I had to rest frequently, he soon passed us. Finally we reached a sign, at the same time we saw the guy that passed us earlier. He said there was a fork up the road and he asked us which way to go. We told him that we were kids the last time we hiked this trail. That’s when he dragged us into some bushes and killed us. Jk. I was half outta my mind and scorched by the sun, so I stupidly let my sister read the signs. She told the guy to take a left. We followed him, but again, he was soon far ahead of us. We were still unsure about the path, so we kept trying to see where it went. Soon I was able to follow the trail with my eyes, it wrapped all the way around and went back down the other end to the start of the trail. We were headed to the tip of the mountain, there was an old hotel up there that burnt down 6 years after opening. So my sister apparently gave the guy wrong directions, and he was already really really far down the path. Now I was sure that he really would kill us. I yelled “Wrong way!” but it appeared he hadn’t heard the loud echo of my voice. My sister and I waited until we could see him again then, once more, I yelled, “Wrong way! We think!”

He echoed my words, “Wrong way?”

“We think!”

After a few seconds of silence we noticed him coming back. We started heading the other way, too. When we reached the fork I noticed a slab of concrete that I saw the first time. I remembered that that was the way to go, because there used to be a wagon parked on it that you would have to pass every time you went to the ruins of the hotel. I wondered why I hadn’t spoken up before because sure enough just yards away from the bend next to the concrete there was an old picnic area-ish thing, and yards beyond that there were the ruins.

We ate plums and gazed out at the beautiful world below. Soon after, the guy had caught up with us at the peak and told us we owed him a cold beer. We just laughed. When we were younger we would shimmy down a pole into and old water reservoir for the hotel, and eat our lunch there. This time I ate at one of the three lunch tables under the thick canopy of trees. We ate practically all of the food. We rested for what seemed like hours. We even played a short game of charades. It seems impossible that the struggle uphill was worth the giddiness of the peak, but it truly was. Impossible, but true. Isn’t that life?

Going downhill was so easy, except my toes kept hurting, and I was afraid of toppling over the side of the mountain. My sister didn’t want to slow me down so she told me to go ahead of her. It was quite lonely, but it was just what I needed. Just creation, and Creator. It was beautiful.

I ran across a boulder that we had run across earlier. I sat down on it and waited for my sister. I remember when the sun’s location was different the rock was all in shade and it looked mystical. The only beam of light was shining on the lone boulder. I told my sister, “Only he who is pure of heart can take the sword from the stone… oh crud, looks like he’s already been here…”

I saw her coming down and she told me to keep on going, and not to wait for her until i reach the bottom of the trail. But I started having that tunnel vision, where everything appeared to be moving away from me, so I drank a lot of water hoping I wasn’t dehydrated enough to start hallucinating. I jogged down most of the hill, and rested whenever I felt like it.

At one point I just decided to recharge my batteries, seeing as how I was so far ahead of my sister. I rested in the shade and looked out into the vastness of the landscape that was unfurled before me. It was amazing. I sat there for a long time before I got the idea to leave a message for my sister in the dirt. I was almost finished with my “I <3 U” when she showed up. She laughed and told me that she was going to do the same thing, but then realized that I was ahead of her. I told her that I almost asked two hikers that passed me to tell her, a young girl that they’re bound to come across, that I loved her. She said she had asked the same to people if they’d seen a young girl, about yea high, bald?

“You didn’t really say bald, did you???”

“Yeah! They said, “well no, not bald.” I asked them how far ahead you were, they said about 3 minutes.”

We hiked the rest of the way down together.

I went swimming that day and got about 30 successive cramps. I was sore for days.  I wish I’d brought along my camera, instead of taking the HEAVY 7th harry potter book (that I barely read!)

It seems crazy, but I still feel it was all worth it.

The dog whisperer recalled a time when her dog had stepped on her throat and tried to put his tongue in her mouth. It was like group therapy, in that I didn’t feel so violated afterwards. But still there wasn’t a pink box of white tissues, which sucked.

I just went to Target, and that exact thing happened. Weird, huh?

Stupid shiny Volvo owner….

It’s as if the World and I are holding hands. Our fingers are intricately laced together like dense framework. This was supposed to be our bond. Sadly the World couldn’t help but to constantly slit my wrists with it’s free hand. So finally I’d had enough. I cut off my hand, showing simply that I was different. Not superior.
I am now very distant, I do not speak up when the world wrongs me anymore. Now I suffer in silence.
Happy?

The only comical thing that came from it was that during the game everyone held their breath, and as soon as the Lakers fans knew it was ok to breathe again,another signal (most likely triggered by smell, perhaps dried sweat and beer nuts?) told them it was time to dig in the closets and air out the old Car Window Flag. And boy, did they wave them proudly! For a whole week I could not approach the road, AT ALL, without encountering the infamous Lakers car flag. Even though I succeeded in not getting close to them, it still seemed as if they were flapping right in my face. Personally, I feel there’s nothing wrong with sticking a silly little flag on your window, I understand that it does not define you; For these reasons I have listed the car-window-flag under the category of comical and not downright primitive. Unfortunately, the riots were quite savage, and cannot just be laughed off.